Grieving with Hope

Mother's Refuge is a shelter for homeless pregnant and parenting teenagers. I started as an intern in March of 2011, was hired as a houseparent that June, and accepted the position of houseparent coordinator in September 2012. I absolutely love working there. It is messy and crazy. The girls are wonderful yet frustrating. It's a lot of work but so fulfilling. I have never known exactly what I am called to do, but here I feel at peace. I feel this is where I am to be in this moment. I don't feel trapped or forced. I love my job. 

So I never expected the tragedy that fell upon MR on Monday, October 8, 2012. 

I worked the overnight on Sunday (to Monday). I finished paperwork and turned in the time sheets Monday morning. I slept for four-ish hours and relaxed the rest of the day. Just around 7pm I went over to a neighbor's house to watch a movie. At 7:08 pm, I got a phone call from a co-worker. Mother's Refuge was on fire. 

I left right away and drove quickly to the shelter. By the time I arrived, the fire was under control. The house appeared ok from the front, but I had no idea of the damage inside. I found some fellow staff and tried to figure out what happened. The fire started in one of the vacant bedrooms. (Authorities have still not declared the cause of the fire.) Fortunately, most of the girls were not home, and those present escaped without any trouble. It could have been sooo much worse. Someone could have been hurt. The fire could have taken the house to the ground. Two of the bedrooms received the heaviest fire damage, but the entire house received extensive smoke and water damage. Minus a few personal items the residents requested and files in the houseparent's and case managers' office, everything is a loss. 

hallway

room where fire started

 Tuesday was obviously the longest day of my life. I stayed with the girls at my co-worker's house on Monday night and then spent all of Tuesday trying to catch up to the craziness. Well, I tried all week to catch up to the craziness. We have been so blessed. People have been donating items and money. We were able to find a temporary shelter on Tuesday. There is so much more we need, but slowly, we are trying to return to some sort of normal.

They haven't decided if they are going to repair or rebuild, but in any case, it'll be about 6 months until we can move back. While I know we are fortunate in so many ways, the entire incident/event is surreal. I have been in the house a few times, and several times I catch myself just standing and looking around the room. It is like life stopped. There was a bottle still sitting on the end table in the living room. And there was so much food in our pantry in the basement. But with the smoke and water damage, we can't use any of it. All of our donations in our 'store' for the girls... gone. So much gone. 

Again, I know we are so blessed that no one was hurt and that we were able to save a few things. But I also know that it is ok to grieve. There was a loss; it is devastating. And so I prepare for another week of trying to catch up with the craziness... spending moments acknowledging and experiencing the grief while continuing in the hope of what is to come. 

Party Crashers

This last Tuesday Master Chef contestant Becky Reams was in Kansas City for a viewing party at a local restaurant. The Facebook invite clearly included friends, family, and fans. In fact, fans was in caps. So while I don’t usually like to go where I am not invited, my friend Becky and I were (kind of) invited to this event.

My friend Becky (not to be confused with the Master Chef contestant Becky who will know be referred to as tv Becky) was more excited than me because she actually watches the show, but I was eager to join in for the experience. When we arrived to the restaurant, there were not too many people, but that quickly changed. We saw tv Becky walking around, and then we saw her greeting people at different tables. Things became awkward fast when every time she greeted someone it was super enthusiastic and overjoyed because it was some family member or close life-long friend with whom she had not seen in a few years.

Friend Becky and I were a bit caught off guard. The non-organized event was not what we were expecting, and it began to feel more and more like we were crashing a family reunion… for realz. One of tv Becky’s cousins did talk to us though. She was nice. She asked how we knew tv Becky, and friend Becky told her we were fans and saw this event on her facebook. About an hour after we arrived, Master Chef was on tv, and the restaurant became a bit quieter as the crowd began to watch.

Previously, when tv Becky walked past our table, she gave us this weird look. I think she was trying to figure out if/how she knew us and why we were sitting in her section since we obviously were not related or from her high school.

But as the show began, I moved my glance from the tv down to a group of people where I had an awkward eye contact again with tv Becky. A few minutes after that eye contact tv Becky finally came to our table. She stood next to me and asked if we were there for her. We said yes, and friend Becky told her that she was a fan on facebook. Tv Becky was super nice as she thanked us for our support and talked to us for a few minutes. She even took some pictures with us.

While I had not watched the show previously, this episode was awesome because tv Becky did really well that week of competition. And it was crazy to see someone on tv and then look down and see them in the same room as you.

When it was time for friend Becky and I to leave, our exit path crossed with tv Becky’s. She paused her conversation to say goodbye to us and thanked us for coming. She’s great. :)

Of course, the evening was full of other awkward moments. For example, people took our vacant chairs (after asking) leaving friend Becky and I in an even more we-don’t-belong-here state. And then our out of way table was actually a directly under one of the tvs table which the majority of the room watched, so although they were looking up, friend Becky and I were easily the center of everyone’s view… and none of them knew us since we were again not related or an old friend. And lastly, one of tv Becky’s old friends came up to us and asked if we were the ones who came here because of facebook. Were rumors going around about some weird fan girls crashing the party? Maybe. But tv Becky was again super nice and did not treat us like we were weirdo stalkers. So in spite of the awkwardness of the night, friend Becky and I had a great time meeting tv Becky and some of her family and friends. :)

Converted

My whole life I have used a regular toothbrush. Sometimes I spend a bit extra on the pretty colors and better bristles; however, the power of cleaning has rested on my manual up, down, across action. I've been curious about electric toothbrushes but not enough to shell out that much extra.

Well, this last Christmas I worked at Mother's Refuge, and there was a stocking for me that had the same things as the rest of the girls. One of the items was an electric toothbrush. I had just bought a new toothbrush, so I decided to save it until needed. That moment came last week. My toothbrush was not horrible but enough so that I decided to pull out the Christmas stocking electric toothbrush.

Two things: the first time I used it, I'm pretty sure I could feel my brain shake in my skull. Weirdest sensation ever. Second, I feel like I had some pretty excessive drooling going on. lol But I think after a few days of use, I am used to the shaking feeling and know to tilt my head back so that any excess drool stays in my mouth until I'm ready to spit it out.

The craziest thing though is how incredible my teeth feel. They are so smooth, clean, and refreshing. I mean I feel like I have been a pretty good brusher of teeth, but I admit the electric toothbrush is far superior. And my teeth feel like they stay clean longer.

So I have converted probably forever (or at the least a long time) to electric toothbrushes because of their superiority in awesomeness and effectiveness compared to humdrum manual brushing.

This Side of Lent

Two more weeks til Easter... whew... this Lenten season has certainly had its ups and downs. I was going strong in the beginning, but then about two weeks ago, I was so tired of the Daniel fast. Now, I'm fairly strong on course. Part of the reason may be the fact that I've lost a good amount of weight during this season, but I've also come to realize a little bit more about me and my eating habits.

First off, the most difficult part was not in the cravings. Sure, I had my bouts with wanting some ice cream or chocolate cake. But instead it was the demand of planning and eating intentionally that took the greatest effort. In case, you are not familiar with the Daniel Fast it is based on Daniel 1, where Daniel and his friends requested/challenged to eat their own foods. So my version of this allows me to eat vegetables, fruit, brown rice, beans, lentils, soy milk, spices, whole wheat flour, and water. There's a lot you can do with that... when you plan for it. Yet, there are those moments of laziness or genuine tiredness where a quick run to the fast food restaurant or frozen meal from the freezer would suffice the hunger pains and allow me to return to whatever it was I felt important. In these last few weeks, if I got lazy, I didn't have much to eat because there isn't anything quick to consume in the pantry or fridge. This is why I got tired. I just wanted to eat, not think.

But the benefits are also visible. Of course, there is the weight loss. This wasn't the goal, but it sure is a nice by-product. Surprisingly, I have come to appreciate the time it takes in cooking and cleaning. My creativity flourishes as I combine items into new dishes and have really enjoyed the food that I make. I've also found some delicious recipes and alternatives to all the junk I ate before. Moreover, like Daniel and his friends, I just feel better than I did before Lent. I feel better knowing that bunches of unknown chemicals and hard-to-pronounce preservatives are not coating my intestinal tract as it works through my body. While I am not growing all of the fruits and vegetables I am eating, I feel oddly closer to what I am eating because I am taking the time to prepare it and not simply consume it.

While I will re-incorporate some of the missing foods back into my diet after Easter (mainly dairy and moderate amounts of yummy sugar-y items) :), I think I am going to continue eating along the standards and inspiration of the Daniel fast. Although sometimes inconvenient and annoying, I have come to value the slowing down of meal preparation and consumption. I prefer the healthier feeling with the thought and practice of less processed food items. I appreciate the discipline and transformation of learning that food is not another commodity to simply be consumed.

Food All Over

We are a few days into Lent, and I figured I better blog about it. :)

For Lent this year, I am participating in the Daniel Fast. It is based on Daniel chapter 1. Although one can choose the strictness of diet, I am going pretty hard core. I can only consume vegetables, fruit, beans and lentils, brown rice, whole wheat flour, and water. I have to read all labels to make sure there are no hidden sugars or chemicals which I can or cannot pronounce. I am allowing soy milk into the diet- not for drinking but as an additive to cooking certain meals. (I do want to stay healthy.) I am also going to drink coffee during my overnight shifts. I tried once without it, and that didn't work to well. Otherwise, I'm sticking to my fast/diet.

The first day was rough. I was hungry all day. However, I didn't have much time to cook meals, so I kind of scrounged for quick things to eat. That didn't really work. The second and third day were much better. I took the time to prepare a meal and thoroughly enjoyed it. I also bought whole wheat flour, so I can have some sort of bread like addition to my meals. (I was kind of surprised at how much bread I ate and used as a quick meal or addition to a meal. Boy, did I miss it quick.) :)

So now at the beginning of day 4, I feel I may have already realized an important lesson in this time of Lent. Before Lent, I would scrounge through the fridge and pantry to find the quickest thing to quench my hunger or craving whether or not it was particularly healthy was a second factor. After inhaling whatever I whipped up, I'd return to my project, my movie, or whatever else took my attention (if I had ever left it seeing as the tv is on wheels and I can turn it to face the kitchen/dining room). Now while I am preparing my meal, I have purposely left the tv off, so I am left alone with my thoughts and the food. And it has been so relaxing and freeing (even in washing the dishes afterwards). I have tried to think about God, myself with God, and an upcoming sermon because it is Lent, but even in the fact that I have allowed myself time to think has kind of opened my "eyes" to the rush that I put myself through every other day.

I am sure Lent will bring some struggles as I start really craving something quick or cheesy (no dairy til Easter), and I already have experienced some other bodily reactions. Yet as of day 4, I am grateful for this opportunity... which is kind of going hand in hand with a book that I am reading in a book club that I have recently begun/joined. The book is called Food and Faith: a theology of eating by Norman Wirzba. I am only on chapter 2, but I already recommend it. And my thoughts on that will be in another post. :)

Expired in 2007, Last worn in 1983

My nerd side of me would like to flesh out this issue/topic more in a perhaps academic sort of way, but this is at least a beginning. :)

As you may or may not know, one of my jobs is as a houseparent at Mother's Refuge, a house for homeless pregnant teenagers, in Independence, MO. I work two overnight shifts, so besides bed checks and one or two hulu shows, I clean and sort... a lot. Two big projects have been the clothes closet and the food pantry. We have gotten so many donations in both which is why I have had to reorganize the two rooms.

While I am completely and utterly glad that people are donating (and this is in no way to discourage people from donating), I noticed a couple things that caused me to question how or what we donate. In the clothes closet, there were several cute tops and warm sweaters. There were also some shirts with holes and jeans that might not have been worn since I was in diapers (that would be the 80s). :) The ultimate find was a pair of stretch neon green slacks.

I'm not sure what year those were acceptable, but I can nearly guarantee none of the girls will be choosing those to wear to school, or at all, not only because of the color but also the awkward box-y shape. In the food pantry, I naturally found several expired items. We have gotten lots of donations, and sometimes new items get placed in front of the old ones- never allowing some cans or boxes to be used. However, while putting some of the new donations away, there were a few already expired items (some within this month and sadly some from some time last year). Furthermore, some of the canned goods were great- corn, green beans, beans, and so on. Yet, there were some bizarre items as well- pickled beets for example.

And so comes my rough draft conclusion... :)

-In the Old Testament, God required the Israelites to bring the best of their best for the sacrifice. Depending on their economic standing, it could have been a lamb or a bird, but it was to be spotless and healthy.

-In the New Testament, Jesus said that whatever you do unto the least of these you also do unto me (Matthew 25- sheep and goats story).

-So while I am grateful that people are donating to those in need, I wonder why sometimes it seems that we are scrounging in the back of our closet or cleaning out our pantries in order to fill the box at whatever location for the clothes/food drive.

-Of course, some will say, "beggars can't be choosers" or "at least they have something." But I don't think such people would say that to Jesus' face, so why do we say that to our fellow bearers of God's image even if they are on the fringe or outcasts of society?

With all of this running around my brain, I wonder.. what if I chose my favorite shirt or dress to donate? What if I spent less on myself or added to my budget so that I go grocery shopping specifically for others?

Uprooting Factories Upstream

Currently, there is a conference taking place at NNU in Nampa, Idaho. I desperately wanted to go because the theme of the conference is a passion of mine. It's called Cup of Cold Water, and it's focused on Christians in compassionate ministries. Well, I couldn't afford the trip out there, but fortunately, there is free webcasting. So that is what I'm doing. Not the same, but close enough. :)

The last plenary session this evening was with Jeff Carr. He's super involved in bringing about systemic changes politically and also through the love and grace of Christ. He had so many amazing things to say, and I'm bubbled over with excitement about it all. Here's a story he told during his lecture that I just needed to share (and felt it was a little too long as a FB status update). :)

'So how do we move from compassionate ministries to prophetic witness (saying something when it's wrong) to social justice? Imagine you are in a river, and you are pulling out bodies. And after so long, you are becoming tired pulling out bodies and trying to resuscitate them over and over again. Then you realize to look upstream and see what is causing all of these people to get sick and fall in the river. You discover a factory polluting the earth and people. Now, you wouldn't stay in the river picking up bodies knowing the factory is upstream. THAT change is what it means to move from compassionate ministries to prophetic witness to social justice!'

Jeff later added that the church is still to be involved in personal transformations, but he also believes there is more in which to participate. For the bigger understanding of the Good News is not just spiritual but more holistic... it is shalom.

Amen, and amen.